Ain’t Nothing Like The Real THING Baby…

The Thing – alien depression, yet again. I saw the newest installment of The Thing on Sunday and much like a Twin Bing does, it fell short. If you have ever eaten on of those pink balls of hell, you know what I speak of. The 2011 The Thing was CGI and CGI creatures are just not that appealing in a physical sense. I am not the biggest fan of CGI when it comes to monsters and aliens. They just lack the warmth and tenderness of a physical creature such as Alien or Predator and /or the infamous Pumpkinhead. Exception for the rule is of course robots and battle scenes as well as CGI for District 9, which was the best Sci Fi out since The Fly with Jeff Goldblum. CGI’s gore mess just isn’t real enough for me. If this movie would have been shot darker, perhaps it would have made the creature a little more ominous. He was just a crab nebula.

John Carpenter’s creature was messy, sloppy and full of all kinds of muck, mutant dog heads and slippery, gnashing goodness. Only ShamWow could have cleaned up that mess. It was pure delight. Perhaps I have been desensitized by French horror movies? It just wasn’t enough for this gore hound. There was no connection with any of the characters in the new movie. In John Carpenter’s, The Thing, I can still remember  every character in the film as well as the creepy score. What do I remember about this one?? Well, there were lots of beards. Oh, and ONE hot man character, Adam Goodwin. Unfortunately he took it in the shorts (death) and my upper lip (which was curled upwards like a sheep in heat) retracted back to eating popcorn.

The character Kate Lloyd was a sadist with the flamethrower, I might add. If I had a dollar for every time she sat there and watched someone being maimed or dismembered, while doing nothing, I would be writing this from the moon with a crown made of cheese and diamonds. It was like, do that guy a favor and make that flamethrower sing!  Scientists don’t care if you are dying-they just want a sample of your tissue, even if it is currently morphing and writhing in pain. They do not mix well with death by alien. AVOID THEM AT ALL COST. Worst part – grenade to the mouth. I mean for the love of god, how many times do we have to dispatch that way? Why not one up the rear or armpit or SOMETHING more original? As soon as I saw the creature’s gob, I knew exactly how he was going down. I dropped my cold nachos to the dirty theater floor …I just wanted it to be over. I heard some light sobbing and I realized it was coming from me. The original The Thing ( from another world) 1951, was also a great movie. I remember actually CRYING as a child when the alien was on fire in the snow. I was ruined for at least a week. I just wanted him to Stop, Drop and Roll! The loss sent me into a sugar-eating frenzy ( more than they usual) and I ended up with a Sci-Fi sized cavity in it’s memory. No cavity from this new installment. Instead, I went home disgruntled and watched The Thing from 1982 in an attempt to take me back to the real Thing…

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