Obama and Romney ain’t got nothin’ on ol’ Abe.

Honest Abe.  The Great Emancipator.  Abolisher of slavery.  And, in his spare time, slayer of the undead.

New this week on DVD and Blu-ray (just in time for Decision 2012) is last summer’s Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  Produced by Tim Burton, who’s having a prolific year (see Frankenweenie, skip Dark Shadows), and directed by Timur (Wanted) Bekmambetov, who never met a law of physics he didn’t break, this adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith’s novel is one for the ages.  Just not this age.

As this historical reimagining would have us believe, four score and seven decades ago young Mr. Lincoln chopped more than cherry trees with his axe.  Craving revenge after his mother’s murder, Abe discovers that the murderer, as well as most of the Confederate army, are blood-sucking creatures of the night (and, in this case, day).  In a blink-and-you-miss-it training sequence, Dominic Cooper schools Lincoln in the art of John Woo Kung-Fu and vamp slaying.  The final testing ground for the President’s new skillset is nothing less than the Civil War, which poses as a disguise for a Nosferatu takeover of the Union.  If Mrs. Wagner’s high school history class was anything like this, I never would’ve slept through it.

“Abe, for the last time, who is this Buffy girl who keeps calling?”

The premise is fun.  The set-pieces are action-packed.  The missing ingredient, however, is a sense of humor.  Alec Baldwin in Pearl Harbor, another historical reimagining, is the only bright spot in that ludicrous film because he knows how ludicrous it is.  He plays his role with a wink to the audience that says, “We all know this is stupid so just go with it.”  No such luck here.

Benjamin Walker leads a cast that unfortunately doesn’t camp it up.  If one actor in an ensemble gives a bad performance, it’s the fault of that actor.  If the entire cast gives bad performances, then fingers are pointed at the director.  I’m pointing my finger at Bekmambetov!  And it’s not my index finger.

The discs come with the usual grab bag of trailers and special features, but I say skip all that and catch this flick on a double bill with Spielberg’s upcoming Lincoln biopic.

Take that, Mrs. Wagner!