The Academy Awards are my Superbowl. Kick-off consists of red carpet interviews. Halftime is the montage of tech awards distributed weeks prior (i.e. the bathroom break). I look forward to each broadcast and pride myself on seeing the majority of films nominated for Best Picture. This year, however, the increase of nominees from five to nine made it more difficult to see ‘em all. I’ve only watched two (Lincoln, Zero Dark Thirty) and to be honest, aside from Argo, I have no desire to see any others (yes, that includes Django Unchained. Sorry, Quentin, but you lost me with your Inglorious Basterds and Death Proof tranquilizers).
So am I the most qualified person to speculate on which nominees should win? Probably not. But I am qualified to speculate on which films I would’ve nominated. Without any further ado, the Oscar should go to:
Ted
Best Comedic Performance
Unlike Will Ferrell or Vince Vaughn, Mark Wahlberg plays a man-boy who’s actually plausible. He’s not so over-the-top that I can’t believe he could land a girlfriend like Mila Kunis. Wahlberg delivers his dialog with such wide-eyed innocence and enthusiasm that I completely bought his relationship woes with a hot chick and an R-rated teddy bear.
Marvel’s The Avengers
Best Adapted Screenplay
Aside from the needlessly possessive pre-title title (we all know this isn’t the Uma Thurman/Ralph Fiennes Avengers), Joss Whedon’s film is as good as everyone says it is. However, I feel his screenwriting is better than his direction. Having suffered through plenty of overstuffed superhero movies (Batman & Robin, X-Men: The Last Stand to name a few) it’s a joy to see one that treats each hero with equal screen time and subplots. And to do so with quality fanboy references and mainstream heart is a bonus.
The Dark Knight Rises
Most Unlikely Handkerchief Movie
Any superhero flick that can make my wife cry in the closing minutes is Oscar-worthy in my (comic) book.
Safe (not to be confused with Safe House, Safe Haven, or Safeway stores)
Best Surprise of the Year
There are things in this Jason Statham actioner that I’ve simply never seen before. Screenplay things, direction things — all brand new, or at least old things done in brand new ways. It’s the type of movie where you realize in the first few minutes that you’re seeing something you’ve never seen before. You then spend the rest of the running time cheering the film on, hoping it won’t drop the ball. It doesn’t.
The Three Stooges
Best Surprise on a Plane
I’ve never been a Stooges fan despite working on their 75th anniversary special (or because of it). So when I was trapped at 30,000 feet without a book, I was shocked at how often I LOLed during this Farrelly Brothers remake. Morale of story: Don’t read books.
Raiders of the Lost Ark in IMAX
Best Re-release
It’s Raiders. In IMAX. ‘nuff said.
Moonrise Kingdom
Best All-Around Film
Of all the titles on this list, Wes Anderson’s latest is the most likely to be nominated for real, yet, aside from best screenplay, it wasn’t. It should’ve been.
I could go on and on, like about how Hitchcock was the best film with worst make-up (which is better than being worst film with worst make-up, Cloud Atlas), but I have less than 24 hours to cram in screenings of six more official nominees. Ya hear that, Quentin? Six! Not seven. Six. I’d rather see Bradley Cooper jog in a trash bag than watch Django. I’d rather see a tiger steer a life raft than watch Django. I’d rather see Russell Crowe croon than… umm, then again, maybe not.